Cheaters Revealed!

I am one of those people who still believes in the sanctity of marriage. I believe that it is recognized by God and I believe that each person that professes their love and devotion, who makes promises before God and witnesses, is responsible spiritually if they do not hold up their end of the bargain.

I have been told by more than a few people since I got married that I am naïve and that I am going to end up hurt because I trust my mate entirely. I trust that he took our vows seriously and I trust that he feels that we are meant to be together. I feel like if I have to second-guess him then we should not have gotten married! I normally tell these people that I am not stupid and that I had a life before my husband. I have seen a lot of things and I have experienced other things so I cannot be as naïve as they think that I am. I tell them that I would know for sure if my husband was cheating because I know most if not all of the signs and here are a few:

1)      His schedule starts changing. All of a sudden he has to stay longer hours at work but he doesn’t pick up the phone when I call him and he never returns my call. He claims that he was swamped and had no time to pick up the call. Not saying that this could not be the truth, but a person who is being faithful will pick up even if just to say, “I’m extremely busy but I’ll call you back soon.” (Also depends on what kind of job the suspected cheater has also.)

2)      He starts spending nights away from home. If his job does not require him to travel there should be no reason why he spends the night anywhere but on his side of our bed.

3)      He is normally a “home-body” but now he prefers to hang out five nights a week with his friends. Uhm…..no! Personally I believe that there is a significant problem with a grown man who prefers to hang out with his friends over being in the company of a woman that he loves and finds attractive. Not that there is anything wrong with getting his “man fun” on, but not in excess.

4)       He has no money. What has happened to the money in the bank accounts? Where has it gone? He has no answers and the only reply he offers when he is asked about missing funds is, “I don’t know.” Well let’s see here: if I have not spent it and it is not in the account then that means you have taken it. He is either moving money to other places because he secretly wants to leave the relationship (and is making sure that he has funds…BLAH BLAH BLAH) OR he is spending my damn money on someone else. (He may also have an addiction of some kind but that would not be my first guess if it were me and this is not the blog for that!)

5)      He gets calls and texts at weird hours of the day and night but he never picks. Why won’t he answer the phone? Why won’t he text back or if he is texting back, why when I look in the phone all the texts are erased? Hmmmm……

6)      Beware of repeated phone calls/texts with no name and just a number!

Of course any one of these signs could be coincidental. There could be valid reasons for all BUT all of these things happening at one time (or in close proximity) with no explanations is quite suspicious in my book. Now these are just a few of the things that would tip me off, what would tip you off?

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Letter From a Reader (Entertainment Purposes Only)

To Melody S.

I am really enjoying your blog and I’m happy that I found it. My question to you is what am I supposed to do if there is no satisfaction in the bedroom between myself and my spouse? I am in my late 20’s and so is he. We have been together for a few years and I know that some people say that after a while it gets boring, but I just feel that we still need to be engaging in great sex. I have been faking orgasms for a while now and I’m tired of doing that. I’d like to actually have an orgasm sometime soon.

Signed,

Wanting Orgasmic Pleasure

First let me say this….POOR BABY! I agree with those people that sometimes you do find that you get bored BUT that is why the both of you have to work at keeping the spice. I don’t know about you, but personally I will do whatever it takes to make sure that I am satisfied in the end.

I’m sure you are familiar with Kama Sutra but there’s really more that the two of you can do other than just new sex positions. Don’t misunderstand me, new sex positions work also! If you all have been performing straight missionary, switch it up and bend over the couch baby!

One thing that you can do is to role play. It sounds a little corny but it might actually work. You are the naughty nurse and he is a patient or something of the sort and of course you have to dress the part. Men like NEW, so making him feel like you are different (in your appearance, pulling him into the role so that he really feels as if the two of you don’t know one another, etc.) may just make him work a little harder to please you.

Seeing you in something like this will most likely get you the results that you seek!

Spontaneity is something else that you could try although you may not be as spontaneous as some of us who get a thrill from the thought alone of being caught. Go to the movies, buy tickets for a corny movie that you know a lot of people aren’t going to see, sit at the back, and be spontaneous. Make it fun and bet him that you can make him moan louder than the movie that is playing. Pull over on the side of the road one night while you all are driving and be spontaneous. Jump in the back seat and go at it like it’s your first date and you need him to wipe “the cobwebs” off of that thing. Put something in his mouth while he is sleeping and let him wake up surprised (you have a lot of body parts so be creative.)

 Now just imagine what you can put in there! ^

Don’t forget the foreplay! As I just stated, make him put something into his mouth and put something into yours. If you’re like some, then you like things with flavor. Keep tasty oils, creams, and lubricants handy.

Be creative! Let him come home from work one day to find you on the dining room table naked and covered in a flavor that he likes. If your man enjoys oxtails and white rice you need to be smothering yourself in it! if he likes peanut butter and jelly…then you know what time it is!

You can also try sitting him down and telling him what’s on your mind (although this way is not nearly as fun.) Let him know that you want more sexually and that you are also willing to give more. DO NOT TELL HIM THAT YOU HAVE BEEN FAKING IT!! This is very important because you don’t want to crush his ego.

Good luck!

Stop It With Your Damn Complaining!

I received an angry text the other day from a friend of mine who was pissed about people who always complain about their situations in life, but they are not doing anything to change it. The text message read something like this:

“I have a great idea for one of your blogs! You should write about stupid ass people who complain that they don’t have a job but they are not doing anything in order to get a job. This really pisses me off because it’s like, what do they expect? Pity!”

Friend I could not agree with you more! While I understand that finding employment is not as easy as it was 15 years ago, it is not impossible either. The main difference now is that you actually have to put work into finding a job.

I find that I am greatly annoyed with people who call me up to tell me the woes they are having all because they don’t have a job.

“Man, I swear my life would be right if I just had a job.”

“My hand to God I would pay my child support if only I had a job.”

-all of this while smoking a blunt.

Here are 3 questions that I have posed to people when I got tired of listening to their grievances (feel free to use all or any combination of the 3 questions listed below):

How the hell do you expect to get a job if you can’t pop clean on a drug test?

(Typical answer: My grandfather’s cousin baby mama’s step uncle told me about these pills that flush the Mary Jane out of my system so I’m not worried about that.)

How do you expect to find a job if you walk into an establishment to ask for an application and everything from your hairline down to your toes is covered in ink?

(Typical answer: All of these 2,374,594,4994 tat’s mean something special and they are also an expression of who I am so the rest of the world needs to respect my individuality.)

How do you expect to get a job when you don’t get up out of the bed until 4:30 in the afternoon?

(Typical answer: I’m just always so tired.)

There is nothing wrong with inhaling a bit of the smooth-grove juice (Mary Jane) if that’s your thing and there is nothing wrong with nice body art (if that’s your thing) BUT everything in moderation people!

Another thing I like to tell people (especially the ones that I know just want pity and/or just like to waste my damn time) is, “Well maybe you should create your own job….you know…start your own company….” That one always stops my phone from ringing for a few days!

 

Freeing Myself

A few months ago I cut off all of my hair. When I say all of it, I mean all of it. I sat down in the barber’s chair and when I got up I was left with a short fade. I did not do this because everyone was doing it. I did not do this because I was seeking attention. I did it because it was what I wanted to do! Oddly enough, by doing this I became a target for the negative and positive.

 People stared rudely (it seems as if they cannot help it) at what they considered to be different. Everywhere that I went I noticed people openly staring at me. It was apparent that they had either never learned or had completely forgotten that it is rude to stare at people.

Young men and women would point at me and snicker and some would do this while frowning up their faces. On one Sunday morning my family and I had gone to church, the same church that we had been attending for over a year. I had seen the young men and women already staring at me, whispering to one another, and some sneaking peeks at me from the corner of their eyes. This is Montgomery Alabama so yes; they were all in a group and participating in this behavior as a whole. One of the young men in the church and of the group casually walked up to me and with a disgusted look on his face asked, “What made you cut your hair off?”

My response was, “Please tell me why it is important to your life that I answer that ignorant question?”

He walked away, presumably to report back to the group that was waiting for my response. RUNTELLDAT!

While the question alone was not ignorant, the manner in which he (they) asked the question was very ignorant to me. I learned that because society is conditioned to seeing people in certain ways (weaves, braids, and for men fade haircuts) it is hard for them to accept anything that is different from what they consider to be the “norm.”

One thing that I did find interesting was that the older men and women looked at me as if I were the most courageous person that they had ever seen. I had a few approach me and tell me that I was beautiful in all of my natural form and that they could see that I was brave (this happened every single time that I traveled up to Atlanta Georgia.)

When I separated myself from my hair and the social norms, I gained this new kind of confidence. There was nothing to hide behind (no big hair, no weave swooped to the front of my face) and so what you see is really me. This new haircut made me feel more beautiful than I have ever felt before! It made me realize that while I took a bold step, I am different and no matter what anyone else thinks, I am going to remain that way. I realize that I like being a part from the crowd! I want to stand on the outside of the circle and move to the beat of my own drum!

Men -Cut The Shit!

There are a few things that men do to just piss me right off. Some would say that it is rude to just walk up to someone and tell them so I decided to put it here…..

First things first….cut the shit and STOP telling tall tales about the size of your penis! You know like I know, that you aren’t anywhere near the 14 inches you keep telling people that you have swinging around in your pants. Realistically, it’s more like a Newport short cigarette!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Exhibit A: What your mind tells you that you have in your pants.

Exhibit B: What you actually have in your pants.

Just STOP it damnit!

For all that is good and holy, cut the shit and STOP leaving the damn toilet seat up when you are done with your business and for those who are too lazy to even lift the seat, STOP peeing on the damn toilet seat!

Just STOP it damnit!

Let’s just be honest, not all men are handy around the house so….cut the shit and STOP attempting to fix shit that you know damn well you can’t. I DO NOT want you to “fix” the refrigerator and all of a sudden opening the ‘fridge door activates the microwave.

Just STOP it damnit!

 

Cut the shit and STOP acting like you know where you are going when you are clearly lost!

“Baby we have passed Beaver street six times now…I think we are lost.”

“Can’t be! I NEVER get lost because men have a built in map. My mama always said I was always good with directions.”

“Yo damn mama aint here and I have to pee! We are lost so you need to pull over to that gas station and find out how to get where we are going.”

“WHAT? I don’t need to ask anyone how to get my lady where she needs to be…I’m the man and I got this!

Just STOP it damnit!

Cut the shit and STOP…no better yet…RETIRE the line, “Lemme just put the head in.”

We don’t want to hear that bullshit so just STOP it already!

Women -Cut The Shit!

There are some things that women do that just piss me right off. Some would say that it is rude to just walk up to someone and tell them so I decided to put it here…..

Cut the shit and STOP wearing open-toed shoes with your toes curling over the front!

Don’t act like you have never seen this before. This is plain ridiculous….just stop it damnit!

Cut the shit and STOP wearing weaves that don’t match your hair color or your highlights!

Are you color blind? Just stop it damnit!

Cut the shit and STOP taking your children out in public looking like they are homeless while you look like a runway model!

                                                                                            

Exhibit A: You

Exhibit B: Your children

That’s not right! Just stop it damnit!

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you are over a certain weight, cut the shit and STOP wearing thongs and halter tops!

                                                                  

 

 

 

 

 

Just stop it damnit!

 

In The News: Eddie Long & Sandusky

Most of you have heard or read about the scandal involving Bishop Eddie Long. He was accused of using his foundation as a hunting ground for molesting and having sex with young boys. His wife issued a statement last week that she was divorcing his ass. The next day she came back with a new statement saying that “Oops” she changed her mind and she would not be divorcing her little predator husband.

Let’s forget about the man Eddie Long for a minute. Let’s forget about all of the lives that he has ruined through his disgusting behavior. Let’s even forget about the victims and what they had to go through. Let’s instead focus on Mrs. Long: what the hell are you smoking woman? I don’t even see how she can “stick by her man” on this one and stay with him. I mean, does it make her feel better that he has not cheated with other women, just with little boys? Get ya mind right boo because you’re not thinking very clearly these days!

Sandusky has also been in the news with his nasty ass. He is accused of molesting young boys at the university where he worked. Really? So my son goes to college straight as an arrow and then comes homes turned out? I would have some questions! It has been reported that he said that he likes little boys and girls. Okay, this may have been misconstrued by the media but in light of things…..really Sandusky? So none of our children are safe around you? He is the type of person that you have to hide your damn pets from.

Knock. Knock.

“Whose there?”

“Sandusky.”

Oh shit! Put the cat and the dog in the basement until he leaves!

What I find messed up about this one is that the dude is like 145 years old. If he is convicted he won’t even serve a quarter of his sentence because he’s half dead anyway. I think that the rightful punishment for child predators is to allow their victims to beat the shit out of them. Tie the person up to a tree and let the victim have at it until they get tired! Give them all sorts of tools, like a bat, an extension cord, a cast iron skillet, etc. and let them go to work.