Can People Change?

Can people change? I believe that people can change. A liar can stop telling lies and make a conscious decision and effort to only spit the truth. A liar can take into account that their story-telling hurts and offends people.

An abuser can stop abusing others. An abuser can tell themselves that they do not want to hurt the people that they love anymore. A cheater can stop cheating. A cheater is capable of understanding that their action is the reason why they are hurting their significant other.

 

A thief can stop stealing. A thief can resist putting their hands on things that do not belong to them.

 

Okay, so maybe the better question is, “Do people change?” I believe that people CAN change but I think more often than not, they do not. Most people do not like change and when change is implemented, they resist it and try their hardest to fight against it. If your employer starts changing things around how often have you said, “I don’t know why they’re changing things around; we’ve been doing things this way for the last 10 years!” I think that most people are unable to face truths about themselves which means that they don’t truly know themselves, which in turn makes them vulnerable to people telling them who they THINK they are and it ultimately affects their ability to change because they don’t know themselves so they take another person’s view of themselves on as truth and if others say there is nothing wrong, well then they have no changes to make…..Did ya follow that? If not, go back and read it slowly….I even had to a few times.

On a personal scale, how often do you take a close look at the person you are and realize that there are things about yourself that you need to change? How often do you look at the company you keep and realize that there are things about them that they would benefit from changing? If you are like me then the answer to these questions is often.

Many years ago a wise woman told me that there is always room for growth and that we should never stop striving to be better people. Now that I am older and I have children, I constantly hear her voice in my head giving me this insight. I figured out though that in order to strive to be a better person, I had to self-reflect and be honest with myself about who I was.

If you knew me four years ago you would probably realize that I have come a long way but the journey was not easy in the least. I spent plenty of time looking at myself and being my own biggest critic. I knew that in my heart I was a good person, that I cared about others and that I was compassionate. On the other hand I was also argumentative, unforgiving, aggressive, and confrontational. I soon figured out that while most of these things were not necessarily bad, there had to be a healthy balance. These things are still a part of who I am BUT I have learned that we have to know when change is necessary.

I will argue you down on issues that I feel strongly about. I am aggressive to the point that I know what I want out of my life and I am willing to put the work in to get there and if you are standing in my way I’ll simply steamroll over you. I will confront you if I feel like it is necessary but I won’t waste my precious time on trivial shit. I am still working on being able to forgive people who I feel have wronged me. See? Honesty…and nobody got hurt!

Now, not everyone is going to like you. Hell, not everyone likes you now without changing things about yourself BUT your personal change is not for everyone else; it’s for you! Follow me here…..I look at myself and decide to change things about me…for ME. I am not interested in how others see me because people are going to see what they want to see regardless of who you truly are. I work hard at pleasing myself because the opinion I hold of myself is the only one (besides God’s opinion) that matters. I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND LIKE WHAT I SEE!

Moral of the story: be a strong enough person to want to make the changes necessary to be a better person…for YOU! Yes it is hard to not consider how other people view you but trust my truth that people will judge you and test you no matter who you are as a person at the core of your being. Once you are able to truthfully see yourself and to start making steps to being a better person, no one can tell you who they THINK you are. You KNOW who you are and therefore; they have NO power over you!

I’ll have an Order of Acceptance Please!

Years ago I lay across my bed and wept. My heart was broken and I was confused as to where I had gone wrong. I had gone through a bad breakup with someone whom I thought had loved me. We’d been together for two years and in that time I’d done everything I thought possible to keep him happy. Out of the blue he’d decided that the relationship was over. None of my attempts to get him to change his mind had worked and I knew in my heart that the relationship I’d fought so hard to keep together had come to an end. My sister walked into the room where I lay weeping like a fool and said, “You shouldn’t lay there crying and feeling sorry. You’ve done everything you could and now it’s time to simply accept.” Years later and much wiser, I can now look back and understand exactly what she was saying.

Acceptance is one of the hardest concepts for us as humans to grasp. For most of us, accepting our circumstances and situations is a hard pill to swallow. In most circumstances, to accept something like a break up means that we have to be honest and admit that we are not perfect. That we made some mistakes. That the person is just not that into us. While all of these are painful to realize about ourselves, I believe that it is vital! If someone does something to you that hurts you, it will bring you a long way to accept that 1: it was done and 2: there is nothing that you can do to make it all better. There would be no crying oneself to sleep at night over a lost love. A person would not feel the need to harbor ill feelings towards another person and it would be a much smoother transition into moving on; all if we allowed ourselves to think rationally and accept that we can’t control everything and everyone.

Outside of gaining acceptance in relationship circumstances, we must also gain acceptance in life situations. For instance, some of us have had not so great childhoods and some of you even reading this right now are fighting things like addictions. Accept that your parents are not and never will be perfect. They have made plenty of mistakes and if given the chance, most would do things differently. Also accept that as much as your upbringing pains you still, none of us can go back to the past. Accept that what has been done has been done and that to hold on to hurt forever hurts you as a person more than you realize. Accept that there are things about you (and every other person who walks this earth) that if you had the courage, could afford to be changed. Acceptance of your past has a way of freeing us all to be the people that we are truly meant to be!

Accept responsibility! Accept that you have an addiction that hurts you and everyone around you. Accept that you are not perfect and that you have a weakness. Accept that it is going to take work to control that addiction and accept that you and only you have the power to change your situation.

Moral of the story is: acceptance will free you! It will allow you to grow and it will stop you from holding onto things that will be detrimental to your life…..it will keep you from wasting precious time and it in turn, allow you more time to concentrate on important aspects of your life…..

Tug-of-Position-War

In many marriages and relationships there often tends to be a struggle for position. What I mean by that is that there is usually some idiotic family member or friend of the wife or husband who doesn’t know their position and who thinks that they should be the most important person in his/her life. This person feels that because they have obviously known the person longer than the significant other, they have been friends for many years with him/her, they have been in dangerous situations along with him//her; that these are valid reasons why they are and should be the most important person in his/her life. All of this regardless of the plain simple truth that they are NOT and NEVER will be more important than the wife or husband.

This person is clearly deranged and be warned, THEY WILL ATTEMPT TO CAUSE PROBLEMS! At first this person will come around as if they have no ulterior motive but as time goes on, it will become very clear that they feel like you are second to them in your spouse’s life. They will try to plant seeds by saying things like, “That’s my friend and I know him/her better than you do.” Take my advice though: don’t play into the game because at the end of the day you can show them better than you can tell them! Your partner’s actions will indeed kill all of the jealous friends ridiculous thought processes (telling the friend that they are no longer welcome to hang around, plainly stating that the friend is retarded, Etc.)

Depending on your religious beliefs you may believe that God blesses marriages and that he said let no man break apart what he has put together. In believing that, you believe that no matter what this brainless, immature human being tries, it will never work. So, fear not! Sit back and watch the show as they try to destroy what you worked hard to build. Stay seated as God steps in and handles it as well. Nine times out of ten the “friend” ends up with hurt feelings BUT now they know their place……Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy down the list past GOD, spouse, children, family, (mothers, brothers, sisters, etc.) bills, career, groceries, getting new brakes for the car, getting a mani/pedi next week, mowing the lawn, calling grandma to hear her voice, planting flowers in the front yard…..then finally ”friend.”

Here is a bit of advice of all newly married couples: keep people out of your space! The less people you have in your space (living in your home or visiting VERY often) the less issues there will be within your union. Pay attention here! I don’t care if you get a call that someone got hit by a Mack truck and needs a quiet place to heal. Tell them that you think it is in everyone’s best interest that the person heals anywhere but in your space. This is especially if you find that there are little to no issues within your relationship until certain people are introduced into the equation. This is also for those that realize as a couple that while they may have love for others, some of those others clearly do not have real love for them.